COMEDY, COMEDY MP3 AUDIO, STAND UP COMEDY WITH STAND-UP COMEDIANS, COMEDIAN INTERVIEWS, INTERACTIVE COMEDY IN STREAMING AUDIO MP3 FORMAT MP3 COMEDY, COMEDY NEWS and COMEDIAN INTERVIEWS  COMEDIANS, STAND UP COMEDY, MP3 COMEDY AUDIO FOR THE UNWASHED MASSES   COMEDIANS --------------- Andrew Norelli Auggie Smith Beka Barry Bradley Lewis Brian McKim Cash Levy Cathryn Michon Cathy Sorbo Celeste Franklin Craig Shoemaker Dan Cummins David Fulton Don Friesen Doug Stanhope Dwight Slade Emo Philips Floyd Phillips Gabriel Rutledge Harrold Gomez James Heneghen James Inman Jason Stewart Joe Vespaziani Judy Carter Kyle Cease Laurie Kilmartin Lewis Black Marty McLean Nan Clifford Nick Rish Paul Currington Ralphie May Rick Overton Ron Vaudry Scott Meyer Steven Kravitz Todd Sawyer Tommy James Tony Daniel Tyrone Barnett ---------------   Main Menu   Home   Stand-Up Comedy   Comic Roundtable   Feature Article   Guest Interviews   Comedy Store   About Us   Info/Links   Help/FAQ   MP3 Players   Contact Us The First 45 minutes In A Hotel Maid's Day Jan 19 2003 So, you hate your job? Want to try something new? Consider becoming a hotel maid. This guide has been written based on my personal experience as a housekeeper at The Phoenix Inn in San Francisco. 9:00AM - Enter the Room. Nothing like a friendly "hello" from the odor of last night's occupants. And it's never just one single odor, either. Popular odor couplings include perfume/hair products, marijuana/room service and the extremely non-pleasing morning-fresh coffee induced bowel movement/toothpaste combo. 9:01AM - Open all the Windows. Air that mutha out. Now is also the time to slip into the rubber gloves. Oh, my little yellow darlings. Wonderful, funny gloves! How you have saved me from direct contact with so many repulsive substances. With my fingers, thumbs and wrist area secure within your majestic yellowness I am confident and unafraid. I devour all dust. In the confines of your hot and musty rubber form, I grapple any and all garbage. Protected from unusual body waste I fearlessly tackle any toilet. Ah. The toilet: Collector of shit and pee and worse. (More about that later.) 9:05AM - Empty Trash Cans. Once, I noticed a two-foot long narrow box stuck in the trashcan. To my amusement, I realized it had once housed a double-headed dildo. I thought to myself, "I know the fun isn't going to stop here." and sure enough, I discovered two pairs of shit encrusted underwear in the can with the box. And that wasn't all. There was shit-ooze in the bed, shit-ooze on all the towels, shit ooze here, shit-ooze there, and I haven't eaten a maple bar since. 9:07AM - Strip the Beds. There's lots of stuff that collects in an unmade bed: Tee shirts, jewelry, people, and of course, pubes. There are always lots of pubes. I don't know why. Maybe the stress of traveling, maybe I just notice them more because of the dazzling white bedsheets, but expect a high pube count. A pube pile/damp spot combo is also a thrill. I've always been partial to scrounging rooms of famous people after they check out. When my favorites, X, checked out, I collected all the unimportant items left behind and used them as door prizes at one of my shows. 9:10AM - The Bathroom. The most physically taxing part of the job will be the bathroom, but an unlimited supply of cleaning rags (hotel towels) ensures a complete and professional job. Don't rush it. Pay attention to the fixtures. Now then, a quiz: If you have a horrendous, roaring bowel movement in someone else's toilet, you would: A) Wipe and flush as many times as needed B) Leave it for all to enjoy C) Wipe with a hand towel and hang the towel back up as if nothing happened D) All of the above Apparently the correct answer is " D ". I have seen it all and cleaned up afterwards. People underestimate how revealing their toilet habits can be. A hotel maid knows who is bulimic. They know when someone needs to re-evaluate their diet. They appreciate the hotel guest that can check out without leaving behind a gruesome toilet scenario. I cannot fathom taking a huge dump and then leaving it. I've left cameras and bras behind in a hotel room, even an entire 6 pack of beer, but never a huge poo log. It's just not done. It would be like popping a zit at the MAC counter. 9:30AM - Remake the Beds. How many fucking beds have I fucking made in my fucking life? A fucking lot, that's how many. 9:40AM - Replace Bath Linens, Clean Glass Surfaces and Dust. One must make absolutely sure the room is as dust free as possible. Dust everywhere and everything. Even the light bulbs. 9:45AM - Sprinkle Carpet Deodorant Around the Room, and Vacuum. Then it's on to the next room where the fun starts all over again. So you see, while it's not a glamorous occupation, it isn't without its rewards. And it doesn't take long to become desensitized to the heroic body of grotesquities one encounters in a typical working day. Besides, if I had never been a hotel maid, I wouldn't know how to do that pointy thing with the toilet paper. Cathy's Web Site More Of Cathy's Articles Latest Back Earliest COMEDYSPEAK COLUMNISTS Home  |  Stand-Up  |  Comedian Interviews  |  Comedy Roundtable  |  Feature Article  |  Help/FAQ  |  © 2001-2003 ComedySpeak.com; All rights reserved All rights reserved by respective artists. Unauthorized duplication or rebroadcast is strictly prohibited.