| 1. | Emery Emery |
| It's simple really. ComedySpeak.com has balls of steel and a Machiavellian business acumen that will launch them from the dregs of a cold, dank basement rental office to a suite of penthouse cubicles in the tallest high-rise on wilshire.
How does one conceive such a brilliant hustle? From where does one arrive at such a piece of genius? To even think of the idea sets the founders of ComedySpeak apart from their fellow man by a chasm of unimaginable breadth.
Much like the Republicans or Nazi's, the ComedySpeak regime will claim that they are motivated purely from a love of the craft and a desire to further the careers of the worlds greatest comedic, unsung heroes. They will try to spin their endeavor as to suggest that they care for comedy and it's creators. Be not fooled for they are in it for the acclaim and wealth.
Of course this is the human way. For that reason alone this team of dingos can be forgiven for preying on starving comics and heroin addicted writers. It's simply the great order of things. The strong feed on the weak. The great is built on the backs of the frail.
So write on you rant makers and humorists. And dream of the unimaginable wealth that is sure to come when the millions of fans make their way to www.comedyspeak.com. Riches will come. But it shall not be yours. It will fill the pockets of the leaches that call themselves ComedySpeak.com.
One of you will enjoy a free CD-Rom of a dead genius. So it's not all bad. |
| [Ed. finally someone understands us! Emery has a web site Check it Out ] |
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| 2. | Scott Whiteley |
| You know what really bugs me?
Environmentalists. Ecofreaks. Granolas.
Those tree-hugging, Soya-swilling, Hemp-clad, Birkenstock-wearing little malcontents.
I remember a time when, unless you spent your days clubbing baby seals and clear-cutting redwoods, the only place you’d see these people was on the news. And even then it was usually just Greenpeace trying to get press; entertaining the viewers at home by lashing themselves to the anchor chains of aircraft carriers or trying to ram a whaling ship with a zodiac.
We didn’t have Fear Factor back then, we had Greenpeace: the one enemy even the French were brave enough to fight.
“Don’t shoot! Don’t shoot! We surrender! What, you don’t have guns? Just little inflatable boats and a banner? I see. Then we…are at war!”
But that was then, now they’re everywhere.
And they don’t believe in deodorant.
I think they’ve even managed to worm their way into Kellogg’s and General Mills.
Have you read the back of cereal box lately?!
“This preservative-free organic granola was grown in foothills of Burma in 100% organic soil. Milled by a commune of free-range not-for-profit painters and packaged in the finest unbleached recycled sun-dried Soya paper. All proceeds go towards restoring the rainforest to its once pristine state.”
That is not what I want to read on my cereal box.
What was wrong with “Prize inside!” or “Warning: This product can cause hyperactivity. Repeated use may result in diabetic shock”
Of course, what do you expect from people that bike year round?
Like it’s not bad enough it snows in this country six months out of the year.
No, I want to be outside in minus fifty trying to pedal my way though a fucking snow bank. I want to wobble down icy avenues and back up traffic till it’s over the horizon.
Cause nothing showcases my commitment to mother earth like an eight mile string of angry motorists.
And it’s not enough they all wear helmets. No, now they’re starting to wear little filter masks like Michael Jackson! These are the ones that make me nervous, looking like any minute they’re either going to start doing unauthorized body work on my car or try and give me an appendectomy.
You want to protect yourself from the pollution?
Ride in a fucking car like the rest of us.
These are the people that roll their eyes and sigh when you order a cheeseburger.
These are the same people that give you a hard time about your tuna sandwich.
"Dolphins died for that Sandwich!"
Yeah, well, so did Tuna. What's your point?
I'm at the top of the food pyramid. If any of God's tasty creatures wants to get off their ass; grow opposing thumbs and learning to walk upright--then we can talk. Until then I'm going to keep happily munching my way though the food groups.
And then one day, just bothering people about seafood isn't enough. The thrill starts to fade, so their hysteria heads homeward.
"Genetically engineered food will kill us all!"
"Irradiation is damaging this nation’s grapes!"
And that works for a while, but eventually, it’s not enough. So then they have to do something really stupid.
Like NOT eat.
You know that we as a society have it far too good when people start doing things like fasting.
And once they start they’re shameless. They’ll use any conversation as an excuse to let the world know what they’re up to.
"No muffin for me, thanks. I'm on a fast."
"I'd love to go for lunch with you guys, but I'm fasting."
"Coffee? Oh, no thanks. I'm fasting"
“I can’t believe she broke up with you. Did I mention I’m fasting?
"Look at me. Look at me. I'm fasting. I'm eliminating chemical-toxins. It's a cleansing fast. I’m getting in touch with my spiritual side and I'm losing weight” Like fucking tofu was fattening…
No kidding your losing weight, you moron. What you’re doing is called STARVING.
Yes, STARVING.
You know, very big in those trendy Third World Countries. Everybody there is doing it.
In fact, it's become so popular that organizations like the UN and the Red
Cross are constantly over there trying to get them to stop.
"C’mon guys, PLEASE eat something"
"No way! Our people may not have housing, education, medical infrastructure, roads, or running water, but look at all the weight we've lost--if we had clothes you can damn well bet we'd fit into them. You only want us to give this up because you're jealous.
“Go eat pizza, you western devil."
And now that I think of it, why do these “Save the Children” commercials always feature the same three washed-up television stars? How tough could it be to find another pseudo-celebrity? Just grab someone off Fear Factor.
"Hi, remember me? I’m the guy that ate all those bugs. Right now, there are children in the third world without running water or bugs.”
I figure it’s only a matter of time before Lean Cuisine starts catering to the calorie-free crowd with Lean Cuisine’s Fasting Food:
"Little empty microwavable packages that smell like your favorite foods. Ready in seconds!"
"MMmm…chicken. I remember that..."
And Richard Simmons will be right on their heels with:
“Richard Simmons’s Fasting Deal a Meal”
"Don't know about you, but I got nothing here. Give me two cards"
"Nothing! Give me two more."
"Goddamn it!"
"What the hell. All these cards are blank!"
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| [Ed. got to give him props just for the volume of type... ] |
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| 3. | Jeff Terniery |
| Your religion sucks retarded mule cock!!!!!!!!!! My GOD rules the universe. My GOD makes you feel like a PUNK! My GOD knows who you are and what you are thinking. My GOD made you think what you are thinking right now. Go ahead try to think of something else YOU CAN'T. My GOD made you think you BELIEVE in another GOD thats how FUCKING POWERFUL MY GOD IS!! My God obviously doesn't like you so don't even trying to be like me. I really don't want to convert you but it's fun playing that game. Mainly because you suck at it. ha ha ha |
| [Ed. nuthin wrong with some old fashioned religion ] |
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| 4. | Becky C. |
| I got it, you want it. That's the way it is and thats the way it will always be. |
| [Ed. you had better be hot bitch, thats all I got to say ] |
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| 5. | Laugh Off |
| hey fuck you all you fucker's fuck you all you fuckers and fucker is fucker's fuck to you all you fucker don't judge me you bitch bitch don't judge me you bitch your my little bitch go out and milk my cat milk my talents milk my cows milk my dog milk my third nipple now this is the last thing you'll ever need to hear after I say it you can go deaf dumb and blind just don't forget what I SAY! Just SHUT UP and AGREE with me! Just SHUT UP and AGREE with me! Just SHUT UP and AGREE with me! Just SHUT UP and AGREE with me! Just SHUT UP and AGREE with me! Just SHUT UP and AGREE with me! |
| [Ed. you might have been a sick fuck in another life time, glad you got better ] |
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| 6. | Alexandru Meira |
| Shock and Awe! woo - now I'm scared... there was some fireworks show! The most expensive fire show I've ever seen. How much did that fire douching cost me? They say we dropped more bombs on Iraq than in all the previous wars in history. That's a lot of freaking bombs! Did they kill enough people to justify that many bombs? I lost count with all the news casting. All I saw was a bunch of happy people telling me we were winning! So what is the new high-tech bomb? Some really expensive mother fucker that doesn't kill that many people. It flies down your fucking chimney and is supposed to avoid killing everybody except for one person in the room using Saddam's cell phone. Something crazy like that only cost like $10 million apiece. I hear they got this new $50 million bomb that can be dropped 5000 miles away, fly like a pigeon, be guided through a mail slot and that won't kill anybody in the building but it will spread vicious gossip and rumors about them. Truly a bargain at any price. |
| [Ed. wow, you must read the news or something ] |
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| 7. | Lowhanging |
| Soap Operas number 1 cause of Moral Decay(divorce etc.) in America! Like sands thru the hourglass so are the "Days of Our Lives" how about "like lunch thru my small intestine" so goes the MORAL DECAY" of my COUNTRY! |
| [Ed. you call yourself "Lowhanging" and your worried about moral decay? ] |
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| 8. | Pedrag Rudakov |
| How about the REAL HOLOCAUST?The one they're afraid to talk about. The GENTRIFICATION of the VAGINA! Tame the beast and its told that the earth will stop spinning. You know who they are, plotting, swanking back in their fortified castles and holding onto their lipid genitalia they're probably not even smoking cigarettes or pot. And now we invest billions for a one way trip to the ANGRY RED PLANET????? How about the ANGRY RED VAGINA! At least you can survive for as long as you can hold your breath on the angry red planet! Get sucked into the vortex of the angry red vagina and your chances of survival are nil nil!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| [Ed. nuthin better than an angry russian jew rant. Whats the russian word for gentrification? ] |
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| 9. | Only The Worst |
| Why am I feeling guilty? It seems every time I think of something I need to do I have to ask myself would I look like a terrorist doing it? Go to the hardware store and buy a gallon turpentine some rags and a 50 gallon drum of yellow cake NO! not yellow cake again! Can I send the little woman to the groooocery? What happens if the wife picks up a box of yellow cake mix at the store? Can I trust her? Now yellow cake, SARS, monkey pox, Korean nukes, monkey shittin pox? Now some kind of Western rat gerbil thing gets you monkey pox! someone put this together for me. Life was so much easier when all I had to worry about it was if my turtle gives me salmonella, my cat passing me a round worm, my girlfriend giving me the crabs or my sheep giving me HIV. Bring back the Africanized bees.!! How about a simple bout of malaria. Cancers beginning to sound like a pretty good way to go. |
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| 10. | Crafty Veteran |
| You think you are sooooo amusing your little comedy act telling jokes and shit well guess what laugh monkey lips the jokes on you get up on stage and dance monkey dance the real pleasure is Seeing how stupid you are we are not laughing with you we are laughing at you fool, village idiot |
| [Ed. harsh,.. you alright? ] |
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| 11. | F. Uckly |
| Hold it right there gringo. I don't take shit from spicks niggers crackers gooks drunk Irish potato puking wap a guinea dego jap as in the jew American Princess and that means you |
| [Ed. you left out the eskimos ] |
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| 12. | Michael Yaun |
| the sirens warning of a nuclear attack is a distinct sound, in this drill we will be going out into the hallways kneeling in front of our lockers and praying, reflecting on how useless your locker combination is now. |
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| 13. | Dave |
| OPERATION DESERT STORM? OPERATION IRAQI FREEDOM? HOW ABOUT OPERATION DESERT BARBEQUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OPERATION TURBAN SMOKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OPERATION BEARD BROILING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! |
| [Ed. how about operation desert oil for desert ] |
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| 14. | Allan Groland |
| FUCKER! you low life carbohydrate training and slacker ass leaker when your ass rains it pours you don't even have to go to Mexico you low life low living low loving low-budget low cholesterol low cost low rent jerk off |
| [Ed. this one sounded personal WTF ] |
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| 15. | Jen Martis |
| That's their problem not mine but then again it is mine because they make it mine and now how about making it theirs. |
| [Ed. stop I'm getting dizzy ] |
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